The Truth can Be Hard to Hear

Past trauma's seem to reoccur at any time. A little over a week ago Talo was sick with a cold and bad ear infection. His ear drum was close to rupturing for the second time in his little life. We couldn't imagine how badly this hurt him but we can saw the pain in his every action. You see Talo never tells us when he is in pain and he quietly suffers alone.

The other week was trying to us as parents. We felt like we were just giving and he was not receiving our love. His behaviors were so off and we could tell some of it was because he didn't feel good but the other's go way deeper. Over that week we saw Talo exhibit the same "fear based" behaviors that we saw upon his return home with us and upon us moving apartments two months ago.

After just a long exhausting day I felt like I had no patience or love left. Being just the selfish person that I am whiteout Jesus Christ I went into our room to pray and just asked the Lord, "What is going on with Talo, something is wrong." Then the Lord just brought to mind what happened in Talo's life one year ago this month. You see we are about to come up on the date he was brought into the orphanage the date that he was close to death. The first pictures we showed you of Talo were after he had gained 10lbs. Talo was so sick upon being brought into the orphanage that he was near death. Not only had he just lost the only people he had ever known he was also loosing the battle for his life. On top of the illness that was causing him to be so close to death he had ruptured ear drums in both ears, intestinal parasites, and scabies so severe that it has left scars on his body.

We never saw pictures of our son in this condition and to be honest I don't want to. I can't imagine having a visual image to go with the pain I already feel when I look at the scars and see his recent behavior as he has been sick. You see when Talo was near death he was also without a mommy or daddy to take care of him. He has never know what it is to tell someone he is in pain and have them fix it, or tell someone he doesn't feel good and have them hold him, he never knew what it meant to be cleaned up after having diarrhea or be given anti-itch cream as bugs ate away at his little body. He has never know that there are people who can love him in his pain and sickness. He fears to tell us he is hurting and instead he runs from us. His current ear infection is bringing not only physical pain but intense emotional pain.

After my time of praying that night God lead me to go back in Talo's room and I was committed to be with him until he feel asleep. After almost 45minutes of singing, praying, holding, rocking and laying next to him. He finally relaxed and fell asleep with his arm wrapped tightly around my head as I laid next to him. I said, "I love you so much Talo", and he looked up at me and said, "I love bu so much mommy, I love bu so much mommy, I love bu so much mommy."

I don't think you can understand the trauma of an orphaned child until you experience it everyday. As his parents we know his behaviors and when you see him in fear it is heart breaking. It is not how God created things to be. However, because we live in this fallen world there is suffering and pain and never will I know why our son had to suffer but what I do know is that God saved him from dying and brought him into our family. And if it takes all our lives to help him know he is loved and not alone in his suffering than it takes all our lives. For God has given Talo to us for such a time as this because no child should ever be without a mother or father. . . yet 147 million are.

Giving money to the orphan is good, sponsoring a child through World Vision or compassion is good too, yet no amount of money gives an orphan a mommy to rock them when they are sick or a dad to read them stories at night when they are going to sleep. No amount of money can end their suffering of living alone in sickness and living alone in hunger and living alone when they are so close to dying. Some people cannot adopt due to age or health reasons or other unavoidable circumstances.

Although the reality is that many people can adopt and chose not to.
Why?

Why?

What's your excuse?

Do you think it's ok for them to suffer and eventually die alone. Picture your biological children wearing rags, living at the end of your driveway or road, eating dirt mixed with dirty water for dinner, and then when the sun has gone down they lay their head on the dirt or dirty trash lined street and go to sleep alone. Is that ok for your children?

Why then do you say it's ok for the 147 million for whom this is life. Life alone. . . or maybe they can hope one day to lay their head down on a soft pillow in your home as part of your family. Alone no longer.

God's Grace in our Infertility

Our Talo fast asleep in the craziest spots!

He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap,
To make them sit with princes, with the princes of His people.
He makes the barren woman abide in the house As a joyful mother of children.
Praise the LORD! –Psalm 113:7-9

The other day after listening to one of my favorite Bible teachers (www.walkintheword.com) I felt convicted to write this post. Often times I feel people reading our blog or hearing about our adoption assume Talo is a product of our infertility. But let me say it loud and clear that is not the case. I can’t tell you how many times people tell us, “Oh now you’ll get pregnant I know so many people who adopt and then get pregnant.” Now we know your comments aren’t intended to be hurtful but they are. Think about what you’re saying, you assume we choose adoption because we were unable to conceive however let me share with you the true story. Talo is not a product of our infertility but of God’s perfect and chosen design for our family.


Even in the freezing cold he pushes that stroller!

October 2006, only 4 months after we had been married a coworker of mine made a statement to me. She said “I believe every Christian should adopt”. I quickly responded, “Oh Becky, I don’t think I could ever love an adopted child as my “own”.(note we came home wiht Talo 3 years later October 2009) She said something to the effect of how I could more than I ever imagined and began to talk more of the adoption of her beautiful little daughter. I kind of stowed that conversation away and thought how I could never adopt like she had. Then it began to happen, God’s Holy Spirit began to move in my heart and life in a mighty way.
Only a few weeks later I learned that the severe pain I was enduring each month could be more of a serious health problem than I thought and in some cases causes infertility. I was devastated. At the time Jon and I were not trying to have children however, I became overcome with grief, “is this what our future holds?” “Lord all I have ever wanted was to be a mom, I had dreamed of it since I was a little girl”. I used to pretend my stuffed raccoon was a baby, I would feed him, hold him and push him in my toy stroller, on Sundays you could find me helping in the nursery so I could hold the real babies, while as a teenager I spent much of my time babysitting. To top it all off I am a labor and delivery nurse. However, it was like God telling me in his gentle yet powerful way through his word and prayer not to concern myself with this fear of infertility right now and trust that whatever happens, God’s plan is always the best.


"Where's ah Talo"-direct quote from Talo when I took this picture!

Only a few short months after that conversation with my coworker I became consumed with this passion for the orphans and adoption. I told Jon how much I felt God calling us to adopt even before having children by birth and I cried for endless hours to him about the plight of the orphan. After almost a year I looked online and found this adoption agency “America World”, I read the stories, looked at the countries, and printed out an info packet. I can’t remember if Jon read that packet or not but I filed it away because I knew someday we would adopt. Over the next year we spent countless drives in our town laboring in conversation over adoption. I was usually just broken over the plight of the orphan and felt we should adopt before we had biological children. However Jon, being the cautious wise man that he is felt we couldn’t adopt if we hadn’t even been parents to a child yet.


Talo assesing which birdie he will run after first.


And the birdies, planning their escape from Talo!

After tons of prayer and more talking than you could imagine we decided to try to start a family by birth and Jon said “someday” he knew we would adopt. What he didn’t know was how soon that “someday” may be.
The pain and grief came heavy after only a few short months of not being able to conceive. People told us oh it’s only been a few months you’ll get pregnant but some how I knew God was going to work this together for His good and glory. I also started to realize that maybe I had heard the Lord correctly, He was leading us into adoption. However, Jon still wasn’t convinced and I knew when God united our hearts we would be ready to start the adoption process. Well, in October 2008, two years after God spoke in a still small voice through my co-worker Jon agreed with God, it was time to adopt.

Jon says he had been hearing God speak to him for awhile but wasn’t ready to take that step of faith and obedience. Then James 1:27(Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and keep oneself unstained by the world.”) spoke to him so strongly that the question became. . .

“How could it not be God’s will to adopt?”



After Christmas festivities were over in 2008, we started out to find an agency when wouldn’t you know in our file box was the printout I had saved over a year earlier from the agency America World Adoption. New Years day we filled out the application and began our “pregnancy” to Talo. Though what most everybody does not know is that only a month later I had surgery to remove large cysts due to my endometriosis. Medically I had to have the surgery because the pain that I talked earlier about was affecting my daily living and the cysts were at risk of rupturing. As we sat in the Surgeon’s office he tried to explain how unlikely it would be for us to ever become pregnant unless we chose fertility treatments (IVF ect) and how he was more than eager to have me enter into a roller coaster ride of those treatments so we could have a child by birth.


Notice the stick in Talo's hand and the birdie on the bottom right! Ahhh!

This Surgeon just couldn’t comprehend what we were telling him. Adoption? What? He said, “surely you have wanted to do this for a long time because we wouldn’t even diagnose you with infertility until its been 6 more months of inability to conceive.” He felt adoption was plan “B” or second best, he felt we hadn’t “tried” hard enough to have children of our “own” to go on and choose something as extreme as adoption.


Talo directing Grandpa,"Now Granpa push me in this direction and fast please!"


After Talo's push down the hill Grandpa runs to catch him. This all made Mommy very nervous!

Yet for us this was never plan B, It was always God’s plan “A” for our family and we had conceived a child in our hearts months before the doctor ever told us we may never conceive one in my womb.
You see God the author of life already had a child picked out for us and he was waiting on the other side of the world. Just like pregnancy we didn’t know if we would have a boy or girl, or what they would look like, or what medical needs they would have. But we did know that on January 1st, 2009 we found out we were “pregnant” and 9 months later September 21st, 2009 we would meet our son. A beautiful boy of Ethiopian heritage who God knew before the beginning of time would be our “first born”. Talo is plan “A” and has always been the best plan.
We believe that our infertility is not a disease like cancer that needs to be treated nor is it a punishment from God like some people may think. But let me say this, if you are experiencing infertility in no way do I want to offend you or make your grief minimized. Infertility is a terrible grief one that is like no other. It is very much a silent type of grief. No one knows exactly how it feels unless they are experiencing it and when people who have biological kids do find out the lack of sensitivity is astounding. So hear me, anyone who is experiencing this trial that seems to have no end until heaven, I know your pain.
Though that pain has never made Talo second best or plan B. We look forward with great anticipation and excitement to grow our family and our daily prayer is not, “O Lord please make us pregnant.” It is “O, Lord please provide for our next adoption as we move forward to do your will.” For the Lord has answered me several times about my physically barren womb and I rest in His perfect answer. May God speak to you about your individual grief’s as you read the answer He has given me about the “thorn in my flesh”.
“To keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me- to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12: 7-10
And he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.”
-The Power of Christ